I Plead Not Guilty

A prisoner is pounding on an inescapable concrete jail cell. A starving one for that matter; one that can get down a piece of bread on the better days. One that is lonely; one that reads a few books or jots on a blank piece of paper in order to get a breath of fresh air. One that has no business being there, a non guilty suspect that has done nothing to offend anyone.

I am a prisoner.

Except for what consequence am I stuck here. I’m not in confinement, suffering a sentence based off of a criminal offense. I’m not in a state jail cell; I’m sitting at my desk at one of the top universities in Connecticut. I wear privilege on my back: a roof over my head, food at my disposal, and a supportive family that has given me their entire life.

And still.

I am a prisoner.

My mind is a rotting jail cell, and this big guy named Anxiety is the prison guard. Found not guilty, I have collected many tools along the way to try and free myself: 10mg of antidepressants, healthy habits, and a therapist disguised as a defense attorney who tries to tell the court that I am a normal human being. Except these tools aren’t enough to help me fight off the strict chokehold of Anxiety.

The great thing about tools is that there are hundreds of thousands; there are new ones developing every day. I know that there is a tool out there that I never tried before that can set me free. I know that the relationships I have with people are strong enough to scare Anxiety away for a few moments. Knowing that one day a bolt can screw loose on the bars keeping me locked up gives me motivation to stay another day.

A lot of us are prisoners to our own minds. Maybe we are cellmates and we don’t even know it. Maybe Anxiety tortures you from outside those bars. Or maybe it’s depression, fear, doubt, loneliness, rejection, or uncertainty. We are all prisoners of something, and are trying to escape everyday. Just know that we are not guilty, abnormal, or deserving of this pain. The jury stands on your side.

I am a prisoner that is slowly breaking free.

We are prisoners that will escape.